Hailing frequencies closed, sir.

I was really young when I first saw the TNG episode, "Skin of Evil." And, aside from catching snippets of it on TV inadvertently, I have never seen it since. This isn't an accident. I've been avoiding this episode since I was a little girl.

If you've never seen the episode, I'll just go ahead and let you know that Tasha Yar dies in this one. An evil, sadistic creature kills her for no reason. Her death is meaningless and, in spite of their technology and Crusher's excellent skill as a doctor, her death is final. She's just gone.

This episode had a huge impact on me as a kid. I wasn't terrified. I don't remember crying or hiding behind a pillow or anything like that. I remember watching wide-eyed and spellbound until the very end. And I remembered the whole episode, and especially Tasha's funeral, very clearly throughout my childhood.

I realize now that Tasha's death was the first one I ever experienced. I had probably seen characters die in movies but Tasha's death was different. I felt like I knew Tasha. I watched her on TV every week. I liked her. Other people that I felt as if I knew liked her. Her death was hard on them and, consequently, it was hard on me.

Even if I couldn't put it into words at the time, I learned from this episode that death is permanent. I learned that it can happen suddenly, to anyone. I learned that when someone dies, everyone else is left to suffer and that once that person gone there will be no more chances to say the things to them that you always meant to say. I learned that there is often no purpose in death, no meaning and no gallant ending. For most people, it just happens. One minute we are here and the next minute, we're not. From Tasha's own, pre-recorded funerary message, I learned that "death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others--which is why there is no end. No good byes. Just good memories."

Since then, I've lost people that I knew in real life--people I loved. They exist in my memory and the memory of others. I think about them and I think about myself. I think about trying to be better. Trying to do everything I want to do before I'm gone. Trying to tell the people I love just how much I love them. Trying to make sure that the memories I leave behind are good memories. I know I'm thinking a lot about myself but that's what happens when you think about death. 

As Data says after Tasha's funeral, "My thoughts are not for Tasha, but for myself. I keep thinking how empty it will be without her presence. Did I miss the point?"

Picard replies, "No, you didn't Data. You got it."

And, hopefully, I got it too. I'll see how I feel about this episode in another twenty-something years.